


lie to myself

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Series: Poetry [38]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Asthma, Denial, Eating Disorders, Free Verse, Poetry, Suicidal Thoughts, spoken word poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 13:44:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5969292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>breathe in,</em><br/>
<em> breathe out.</em><br/>
<em> breathe in,</em><br/>
<em> breathe-</em></p><p>i'm completely healthy.<br/>
there is nothing wrong with me.<br/>
i am <strong>fine</strong>.</p><p>(<em><strong>fine</strong></em>, i promise.)</p><p>
  <strong>(i...<br/>
i swear.)</strong>
</p><p><em>breathe in,</em><br/>
<em> breathe out.</em><br/>
<em> breathe in,</em><br/>
<em> breathe out.</em><br/>
<em>breathe-</em></p><p><strong>This</strong><br/>
<strong>Is</strong><br/>
<strong> A</strong><br/>
<strong>Lie</strong></p><p>
  <strong>...</strong>
</p><p><strong>please,</strong><br/>
<strong> i swear i'm normal</strong></p><p>
  <strong>...</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>(but i can't breathe)</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	lie to myself

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, this an experiment. This poem is probably the most real of all of the ones in the "inspired by real life" series (except for maybe the faith crisis one) and it demanded a different type of writing. The poem is a bit broken, a bit jagged, a bit confusing...just like real life.

i’m not counting calories-  
                       but i am counting my ribs.  
                                                i’m not focused on fashion magazines-  
                                                                      but i am focused on how graceful my friend is,  
                                                                      how _slender_  she is.  
                                                                                                    i’m not watching the numbers on a scale-  
                                                                                                                            but i am watching as i deprive myself of  
                                                                                                                            the things i used to love.

This is not an eating disorder.  
(I'm different.  
I can't have a disorder when i'm not like them.)

one,               
two,  
                 three...  
_**shatter**_

shit, it's broken.  
_(i'm broken)_  
it's all my fault.

_breathe-_

i’m not asking the quickest way to die-  
                       but i am wondering how people would react.  
                                                i’m not asking how to slit my wrists-  
                                                                      but i am wondering how it would feel.  
                                                                                                    i’m not asking whether the world would be better off without me-  
                                                                                                                            but i am wondering if you would care if i disappeared.

This is not suicidal ideation.  
(How do i breathe?)

everything is my fault.

 _breathe in,_  
_breathe-_

i'm not unable to think,  
                     but i am unable to breathe properly.  
                                                 i'm not stressing for no reason,  
                                                                         but i am stressing over everything.  
                                                                                                                        mom, i swear i'm okay.  
                                                                                                                                                (a little stress is normal, right?)

This is not an anxiety disorder.  
(The mucus and acid coming up are normal,  
i swear)

i swear.

 _breathe in,_  
_breathe out._  
_breathe-_

i'm not screaming,  
              but i can't breathe.  
                                           i can't think,  
                                           i can't breathe,  
                                                     but it's just my asthma.  
                                                                                            don't worry, teacher,  
                                                                                                                     it's just my asthma.  
                                                                                                                                                   stress has _nothing_ to do with it.

This is not a panic attack.  
(It can't be.)

 _breathe in,_  
_breathe out._  
_breathe in,_  
_breathe-_

i'm completely healthy.  
there is nothing wrong with me.  
i am **fine**.

( _ **fine**_ , i promise.)

**(i...  
i swear.)**

_breathe in,_  
_breathe out._  
_breathe in,_  
_breathe out._  
_breathe-_

 **This**  
**Is**  
**A**  
**Lie**

**...**

**please,**  
**i swear i'm normal**

_..._

_(but i can't breathe)_


End file.
